This chart helps Canadian Armed Forces (CAF) personnel and families reflect on their relationship experiences by considering actions, feelings, and patterns across healthy, stressed, unhealthy, and abusive behaviours in relationships.
- If you are a youth, please consult our specific tip sheets designed just for teens.
- Reflection can help you make choices that feel safer and are more supportive for yourself, and the broader military community. These examples are just a starting point and may not all be relevant for you. They are intended to prompt reflection and open conversations about what is working well in your relationship and where there may be challenges.
- This tool supports reflection and prevention and highlights relevant Military Family Resource Center (MFRC) and Military Family Services (MFS) services, such as the Family Information Line (FIL).
- If your experiences feel unhealthy or abusive, connecting with support services can help you explore options and move toward greater safety and well-being.
- If you are in immediate danger, contact 911 in Canada or your local authorities for OUTCAN
| HEALTHY | STRESSED | UNHEALTHY | ABUSIVE |
| How do we communicate? | - With honesty and
transparency to build trust. - Use agreed ways to communicate
(email, text, phone).
| - Being selective with the truth.
- Can’t help reaching out by text, phone,
email, etc., to argue or vent.
| - Dishonesty/lying.
- Ignore or break agreed
communication rules.
| - Using lies to manipulate and control.
- Harassment and stalking through
persistent messages by email, text, or
social media that make someone feel
pressured or afraid.
|
How do we seek support from
others? | - Respecting each other’s need for
outside perspectives and help. - Accessing the MFRC, FIL, MFS service
providers, CAF services (counselling,
chaplaincy services) or speaking to
family and friends.
| - Feeling hesitant or fearful about saying
support is needed/wanted. - Isolating from family and friends.
| - Mocking or minimizing for wanting
support. - Turning to self-destructive coping
mechanisms (substance misuse, neglecting
health).
| - Spreading negative/incorrect
information to peers in the unit or
spouse group to intentionally harm (ex)
partner's reputation. - Blocking a (ex)partner’s ability to reach
out for support, making threats for
seeking support or weaponizing
support systems.
|
How do we support dependents in
the separation? | - Parents reassure children they are
loved and are not to blame for their
relationship issues. - Prioritize arrangements around pets
that acknowledge the needs of each
partner’s relationship to the pet.
| - Arguing about children in front of them
or when they can hear. - Expect that pets are not shared in the
separation.
| - Speaking badly about the other parent
or asking children to take sides. - Ignoring request to visit a pet.
| - Asking children to “spy” on the other
parent or convey an abusive message. - Intentionally restricting or blocking
access to a pet.
|
How do we respect expectations and
boundaries during the separation? | - Listening to requests to take a break in
a heated conversation. - Using a neutral third party when
needed.
| - Following and continuing an argument
when one walks away to get some
space. - Not following directions considered
fair under the law or agreed with the
third party.
| - Harassing an (ex)partner in an argument
until they are forced to respond. - Using complicated and expensive legal
processes to delay separation/divorce
proceedings as a control mechanism.
| - Physically blocking the (ex)partner’s
attempts to walk away from an
argument. - Using fear and control tactics to keep
the (ex)partner engaged and prevent
them from moving forward.
|
